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If you're the chosen one, Paddy Mc Guinness will send you off on a date to the mythical isle of Fernando's, so you'd better be ready to put on a bikini and drink giant cocktails.If you're not chosen, you await the arrival of the next goat.Chance of getting laid: a 41-year-old virgin actually met his wife thanks to the show. Chances of eventually having to change your phone number because Jeremy keeps calling asking if he can crash on your sofa: 100%. Playing it straight Channel 4 2005 What you're missing: You are a woman who prides herself on her unerring gaydar, so you agree to live on a Mexican ranch with a dozen men, half of whom are hiding the fact that they are gay.You're playing not only for love but also for a £100,000 prize, so you'd better fall in love with one of the straight men: if you do, you share the prize money, but if you pick a gay man, he takes the whole pot.They then sit at home with your boyfriend, trading insults while they watch video footage of you on dates with each of the suitors; after which, you choose whether to stay with your boyfriend, or ditch him for one of your parents' selections.Or you cut off contact with all concerned and privately self-flagellate until you're suitably repentant for having so grossly exploited your relationship.Chances of finding love: nil, because if you agree to go on this programme there must a rotten walnut where your heart should be.

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After weeks of battering you right in your weakest spots, you are magically much less of a twat, so pick up somebody in a bar and go on a dinner date with them while the team spies on you from a van parked outside.

For months afterwards, you're convinced a van is following you.

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