BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday. WASHINGTON—Expressing their immense relief at their good fortune, the nation’s gun manufacturers tearfully told reporters Tuesday they were thankful to have made it out of the Orlando massacre safely. If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. NEW YORK—In what many are calling a shameless and creepy attempt to court a much younger demographic, 55-year-old brand Frito-Lay was seen clearly targeting 18-to-24-year-old females this week with a new campaign for reduced-fat snacks, sources confirmed. IRVING, TX—Addressing the world’s plant and animal life directly during a press event Friday, officials from Exxon Mobil vowed to bestow lenient treatment on any species that surrendered to the corporation voluntarily. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U. DAYTON, OH—Throwing the generally positive customer review section into a state of disarray, a contrarian Amazon user reportedly upended the critical consensus Monday by giving a set of three Sunland-brand .99 microfiber bath towels a one-star rating.
MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises nationwide, researchers with Subway’s sandwich breeding program revealed Thursday they had successfully developed a Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara hybrid.
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them.