Vanessa on the other hand exists on another plane of reality stardom entirely, having done literally everything, on every level, even things that would make Gavin Henson blush. There is pretty much no wide-eyed, pushy, “I Went To Cambridge And I Learned Words There”, slightly frantic, angle of Vanessa Feltz that has not been explored via competition based reality tv. Rachel Riley : Personally my interest in Countdown died with Richard Whitley (imagine him on Strictly! But it does feel like beyond time that Rachel Riley took up the mantle of Carol Vorderman, and forge a path in celebrity beyond being the pretty girl who flips the cards over on Countdown and does basic maths, and hopefully doesn’t turn out to be a right-wing nutcase whilst she does it.It’s hard to decide whether her peak/nadir was this, or of course that time she had a meltdown on Celebrity Big Brother and scribbled the lyrics to an Alanis Morissette b-side on the dining room table in 10p classroom chalk because…I dunno, early menopause or something. And let’s face it, The Gadget Show isn’t going to cut it on its own.It is in the spirit of optimism that I hope that somewhere the show can find a new flavour of Vanessa Feltz to show us, possibly involving her doing things well, with dignity. Rachel Riley seems nice, smart, pretty, has a blandly attractive husband (MY FAVOURITE KIND!STICK HIM IN THE FRONT ROW EVERY WEEK PLEASE, PRODUCERS! ) and has promised to all of us that she can’t dance, so she’s totally non-threatening!Monkseal Suggested Pro-Partner : The most overwhelming sensation I get from Rachel Riley is grounded sanity, and let’s face it, after the last…five series, one pro deserves that working environment more than any other. Abbey Clancy : I mean…if we were going to go for Britain & Ireland ‘s Next Top Model runner-ups in the cast I would go with all of Joy “Can I Go Now?” Mc Laren, Louise Who Threatened To Punch Kelly Cuntrone out, Queen Cathreen, Sophie Sumner, or either member of the Evil Axis (imagine Bruce trying to say “Juste Juozapaityte” or “Anastasija Bogatirjova”, IMAGINE IT) over Abbey Clancy, but I guess none of them married an England International after leaving the show, so their star has dimmed too far.And I couldn’t be more glad, because her unique combination of regal imperious indifference and willingness to “accidentally” flash her knickers/show a bit of thigh/spend 5 minutes before going on air rubbing her nipples with ice-cubes is unaccountably about the only thing that gets me through the 20 minutes of scanning twitter whilst brushing my teeth that apparently is supposed to serve as my morning routine. Susanna has Strictly Form, having won that half-arsed “Battle Of The Sexy Newsreaders” they had a few series ago. Sophie Ellis-Bextor : *girds self against the gays* From the moment Sophie Ellis-Bextor was first rumoured I have hoped and prayed that she wasn’t doing the show, because so so many of my friends/passing acquaintances/gays who propositioned me on twitter once and then just sort of stuck around are bona fide fans and…I kind of think she’s the worst mainstream female pop-star Britain ever produced, right up to the second when Eliza Doolittle…birthed itself. She was mildly hilarious in her guest judging slot on Project Catwalk which turned out to be during one of those () weeks where all the dresses were hideous and she had to pretend otherwise and that she really liked one and would totally wear the one that made her look like a Fuzzy Felt Pocahontas.
It goes something along the lines of “hang on, haven’t they already done Dancing On Ice/I’m A Celebrity/X Factor : Battle Of The Has-Beens”? Celebrity What Service Industry Business Am I Going To Pretend To Set Up Out Of My Living Room For Other Celebrities To Judge Oh Right It’s A Dog Salon This Time Is It Cool. ) just like my interest in Deal Or No Deal died with the light behind Noel Edmonds increasingly mascara’d eyes (don’t imagine him on Strictly *shudders*). That’s right, if you’re reading this next week, having returned from a lovely holiday somewhere Strictly-free, yes they decided to lead this year’s reveal of the cast for Strictly Come Dancing with Vanessa Feltz. Often there’s a nagging itch that settles in one’s brain when one reads the new cast for a new year of Strictly.Although I’m sure the Evil Axis are working their way through the Championship relegation zone as we speak.Yes, Abbey is the spouse of Peter Crouch (but chose to keep her own surname, odd that) and thus joins a long line of luscious Strictly sexpots only noted for the people they were married to (Jo Wood, Pamela Stephenson) or who they pretended they were (Lisa Clooney, whatever Kelly Brook thought her “dating” Billy Zane came off as), which has got quite a few people wound up over the shabbiness of it all but you try finding a model who isn’t hitched to another famous person.
I’m quite excited to see if she can do anything as iconic as Vorderumba.Maybe even in a way that doesn’t require scouring your eyeballs with Mr Sheen afterwards.