However, as you know, I can no more stop men from being men than I can stop the earth from turning.You see a picture, you read a profile, and you start to get excited. Suddenly, you’re flirting like crazy, eagerly anticipating his every response. You know that dates are rarely as promising as the buildup. By the second week, the cute guy had already written to her. ) Soon, they were bantering back and forth multiple times a day, and he started to plot their first date. When the cute guy Googled Sandy’s hometown, he was surprised to learn that she lived 3 hours away.There’s wit, there’s sexual innuendo, there’s instant talk about making plans. But, sure enough, when he shows up, he’s as cute as his picture. You play mini-golf and grab two rounds of drinks at a nearby bar, after which you go back to your place and make out on the couch for an hour. He knew he didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship, and so, instead of trekking to go on a first date, he emailed Sandy to apologize and wish her well in her search for love. Even though she’d only exchanged a few emails, she’d gotten excited about this cute, successful, articulate, enthusiastic man. She started to dream about this man saving her from a life of loneliness. They really didn’t have any relationship whatsoever.You have an amazing evening, filled with easy conversation and laughter. You close the restaurant, end with a goodnight kiss, and a promise to do this again soon. In fact, you do a little more than that, but hold a little bit back. He says good night and tells you he’ll call the next day. As a result of this wishful thinking, Sandy was as hurt by this man’s simple email as she would have been if they’d been dating and broken up. She could have that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach and lose sleep over how she’s going to replace him. As a result, Sandy wasn’t “losing” anything; she never had anything to lose. It’s not that Sandy was wrong to look at all the available signs and conclude that she had special connection with a special guy.He texts you the next day to say he had fun, and instantly makes plans for the following Friday evening. He checks in during the week – a call here, an email there – not too needy, not too distant. I shared in Sandy’s pain, then informed her that she could respond in 1 of 2 ways: 1) She could be devastated that Mr. 2) She could realize that she’d never even MET this man. Anyone in her right mind would draw the same conclusion.
I’ve had women tell me to chastise men to start following through more, to stop being so nice if they’re not ready for a relationship, to promise to call after having sex.
I hear you, and I agree that men could stand to do hundreds of things better to improve your relationships.
It’s not because he’s an evil human being hell-bent on destroying your self-esteem. The reason your heart gets broken each time a new guy disappears is because you are SURPRISED when he disappears. Men disappearing is probably a semi-normal occurrence. And the reason it hurts so badly is simple: our expectations aren’t aligned with reality.
It’s not because you will not be able to survive without him. Then why act so shocked and devastated when outcome is so predictable? What I want to do is show you how to manage them – to protect yourself from continual heartbreak. Sandy was a 45-year-old client living in rural Wisconsin.
You want to know why your heart gets broken each time a new guy disappears?
It’s not because you’re a fool for believing that good men exist. He seemed so great, so perfect, so kind, so consistent. If this story feels familiar to you, it’s because it’s familiar to EVERYONE.