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My straight friends find the concept of me seeing someone my ex has dated really quite squeamish, but it sort of comes with the territory in Gay-Land. So here are the 5 types of lesbian/bi woman that I recommend should be avoided at all costs: The Alpha Addict Traits - Image obsessed, often narcissistic and always devastatingly beautiful, the Alpha Addict is to be avoided at all costs. Scene Queens Traits - Sort of the poor-woman’s Alpha.

Unashamedly arrogant, self important and probably emotionally unavailable; addicted to maintaining their reputation as Alpha Lesbian at all costs, they can be spotted at the bar never buying their own drinks, often stringing along many a woeful woman, and consider themselves top of the lesbian food chain. - Because, although the character of Shane is fun to watch on screen (and yeah, I totally would) it’s not the sort of woman you’d aspire to be or be with, surely? Not something that spells out long-term-relationship. If you’re going for this kind of girl, you need a serious self-esteem check. Scene Queens are always out and about and never one to miss a weekday girl’s night.

They’re trying to make people pick a category that they approve of.

They probably own some sort of quirky hat and wear it often. - Because scene girls are basically teenagers who never grew up. Well next thing you know it’s going to be about you.

They’re desperate to “sit at the cool table” so will invest an incredible amount of time and effort into staying with the in crowd... Not to mention they only ever keep other Scene Queens as company. How To Spot - They’re clearly straight but have made a token attempt at looking the part (wearing Converse, hair up) and have trotted down to your local gay bar to throw you off the scent.

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How To Spot - Sometimes the bartender and usually clearly ignoring everyone but her i Phone. Scene Queens are obsessed with reputation, lez-networking and knowing every piece of gossip that exists.

You can spot the Alpha Addict quite easily, but if you’re not sure, just ask them the question “So which character from The L Word are you? One of her exes is always out and she always has to make a big deal about it, dragging her friends dramatically into the toilets to discuss it in hushed voices.

The LGBT dating scene is not only smaller and infinitely more exclusive than the scope offered to straight people, we also have a whole lot more politics to worry about. But you know when your bestie starts dating a girl and you just want to drag her the hell away?

There are all these invisible rules and regulations, not to mention having to do a quick background check to make sure you don’t have any exes in common. Alarm bells are ringing, you can see that girl is poison, but she’s got your friend hooked. Just show them this list of lesbians to steer the hell clear of, and you’ll hopefully save everyone a lot of heartache.

Do you really want to have to impress that many elusive women? The Tourist Traits - Otherwise known as a Faux-Mo (Fake Homo), a tourist is someone who is on the scene and in the gay bars to “see the sights” without wanting to actually... Now straight women love hanging out at gay bars—we’re a fun bunch after all and they don’t have to worry about getting touched up by greasy men. Gold Star Snobs Traits - Gold Star Snobs will only ever date women they deem to be “genuine lesbians” and turn their noses up at anyone who can even spell penis. How To Spot - Surrounded by only other Gold Star lesbians, they consider themselves the elite of Gay-Land.

Because it’s impossible and you’ll end up in a whirlwind of drama. They’ll tend to be on the dance floor, oblivious of all of those fleeting glances and having the time of their lives. - As Alex Vause very wisely said in OITNB, “Rule Number One, Don’t ever fall in love with a straight girl”.... They’re the racists of the LGBT community, making Bi-women feel ashamed and intimidated and shunning anyone who chooses a life that isn’t die-hard-lez. To figure out if you’ve found yourself in the company of a Gold Star Snob, just mention that you like any Ryan Gosling movie and watch them scowl.

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